Confessions of an Insomniac
by sharingank
Summary: Who said redheaded homicidal maniacs can't keep a journal? Sand Siblings craziness. Possible manga spoilers.
1. Round 1

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**Confessions of an Insomniac** _

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_

_Entry 1:_

_For the record, I hate you both. I know you're laughing at me while I write, because this is all just a sick, twisted joke that you're playing at my expense. What the hell are you going to do with these things in the future, anyway? Try and analyze my personality? Dig deep beneath the surface to find my 'inner soul' or some such philosophical bullshit? Here, listen. I have a secret to tell you. Ready?_

_I wear red boxers._

_Make sense of _that.

* * *

"Dude, he doesn't need to be all _snide_."

"Oh, come on. You know him. He wasn't happy about doing this in the first place. And besides, were you really expecting anything else?"

"No, I guess not." There was a pause. "I'm not surprised about the boxers."

"What?"

"That sounded weird, didn't it?"

"Just a little. What exactly weren't you surprised about?"

"Well…that they're red."

"Now that you mention it, I can't see him in green boxers. Or purple boxers. "

"So…it's possible to judge people by their boxers. Is this the conclusion we're making?"

"_You _are the one who brought it up. And yeah, I think you can. I mean, take a guy who wears…oh, I don't know…blue boxers with dinosaurs all over them. That would suggest he's either an eternal kid, or he loves dinosaurs."

"What does that have to do with Gaara?"

"Let's get back to red. Red can mean many different things. Hate. Blood. Death. Love. Sounds like Gaara, doesn't it?"

"You know what we're doing, don't you."

"What?"

"We're analyzing, like he said we would."

"Oh…I guess you're right."

"I know I am."

"Shut up."

"Why should I?"

"Because I'm older than you."

Classic trump card of an elder sister.

It worked.

_

* * *

__Entry 2:_

_So what am I supposed to talk about? You know that I'm not very chatty, unlike some people I know, who could spend their lives yakking your ear off about stupid crap that inevitably ends up stuck in your head _because_ it's so stupid. Like Rock Lee and his obsession with that wacked out bowl-headed spandexoid of a sensei. _

_I am aware that spandexoid is not a word. I made it up myself. _

_Well hot damn. I have a sense of humor. _

_La-dee-freaking-da. _

* * *

"Spandexoid?"

Snorts of laughter.

"That was good."

"Definitely."

"I wonder what Thick-Brows would do if he ever heard that?"

"He'd probably be filled with righteous indignation and beat the crap out of the offending person or persons responsible for the slander."

"I'll bet he was taking a jab at me when he said that. You know, the thing about knowing people who talk a lot. I think I talk too much."

"So do I."

"Gee, thanks. I've been reassured of my self-worth."

"No problem. That's what sisters are for."

_

* * *

_

_Entry 3:_

_I like coffee. I'm drinking some right now. It has a very…interesting taste. Bitter but sweet at the same time, since I put sugar in it. I'm not one of those who can down the stuff black. Tried that once. Bad results. Some came out my nose when I choked on it. Got on my pretty white Kazekage robes, and I didn't have time to change them._

_Imagine those headlines. _

"_The all-powerful Kazekage-sama—and former homicidal maniac—officiates meeting with questionable brown substance dribbled down his front…"_

_Yes, I do think about these things. My head's not shoved so far up my ass that I can't be concerned about my appearance anymore. _

* * *

"Wait…I remember that! He had his scarf down a bit lower than usual, which didn't really make sense. It looked odd."

"I must've been on a mission."

"Yeah, you were."

Pause.

"I want coffee."

"So go make some."

"All we have are beans, though, not pre-ground stuff."

"That's what the grinder's for."

"I—well—"

"What's _this?_ The super-woman doesn't know how to use a grinder?" Snickers.

"Shut up! I never learned!"

"How the hell is it possible for _me_ to know how to use it and not you?"

"I don't know!"

More snickers. "That's pathetic."

There came an ominous sound similar to knuckles cracking.

"Don't make me get my fan…"

"Sorry, wench, but I'll deck you with Karasu before you get the chance."

_

* * *

_

_Entry 4: _

_Well, I've had an interesting revelation. _

_Today, I was in the council room before another damn meeting, and I was told by a certain individual who will remain unnamed—TEMARI—that I look like a chipmunk. _

_A CHIPMUNK. _

_As in, cute, fuzzy little critter with buckteeth that lives in trees and eats nuts._

_What. The. Hell. _

_I have never in my life been referred to as a chipmunk. Never. I am more used to the old, 'murderous salivating monster,' or 'what IS that thing?' or 'HOLY SHIT, HE'S SCARY!' _

_Where did CHIPMUNK come from?_

_Of course, I immediately accused my dearest, darling sister of insinuating that I look weird because I've got no eyebrows, and she laughed and laughed and laughed and said it was my cheeks. _

_Ahem. _

_My cheeks. _

_We'll say it one more time._

_My. Cheeks._

_Unfortunately, I am not in a position to do anything about the apparent pudginess of my cheeks. I haven't exactly spent a lot of time previously scrutinizing them, but I can't look at anything _else _now, thanks ever so much, Temari. Now, everywhere I go, a little voice—and not Shukaku's, either—will be whispering in my ear about my…chipmunkiness, and I'll probably wind up doing something stupid and making myself look very un-Kazekage-ish. Which…would be bad. _

_You must remember, I'm still a kid. I have to seem like I'm sure of myself, or people will walk all over me. _

_Well, maybe not. The general fear surrounding my person has not entirely dissipated yet, so I have a bit of an advantage. In theory. Don't really want to test that. _

_And if I'm a chipmunk, Temari, you're a blonde porcupine with a major jealousy complex. _

_You don't have a pointy hat. _

_I do. _

_We won't even mention Kankuro. (The kid wears makeup. And cat ears. Intentionally. This family has issues.)_

_But I'm the only one with a triangle hat. _

_So there. _

_Chipmunk…can't get over that…_

_Scarred for life…(oh, wait…already happened, didn't it? Gah…that's getting into the past, and I don't want to go there). _

* * *

"I like my hood!"

"I know you do. You've had it since we were little."

"Because I like it!"

"Yes, that's what you said."

"And my makeup completes the image!"

"Sure."

"It does!"

"Okay."

Arms were crossed over a chest. A moment of contemplation.

"Did…did you really call him a…" –laughter— "…chipmunk?"

Giggles. "Yeah. But he does look like one, doesn't he?" More giggles. "He has the most adorable baby face."

"I don't know if I'd go _that_ far, but…aw hell." Chortles. "He does look like one."

"I told you!" There was a rustle of paper as a page was turned. "Oy, is my coffee ready yet?"

"I liked the porcupine comment," he ignored her question, smirking. "It perfectly describes you."

"Say that again, I dare you."

In a singsong voice, he remarked, "Someone's jealous of the ha-at!"

"I am _not_!"

"Jea-lous!"

"No I'm not!"

"JEEAAAALOUUUUS!"

Crashing sounds.

"Die."

* * *

_Entry 5:_

_I've come to the realization that coffee not only tastes good, it makes me hyper. I can barely write because I keep tapping my fingers on the desk and twirling the pen between them. I'm not very good at twirling. The pen's fallen more times than I've twirled it. Maybe that has something to do with my eyes being unfocused. _

_Hyper, hyper, hyper. _

_Coffee is good… _

_I need sleep. _

_This is what happens when my chronic state of insomnia catches up to me, which it does every now and then. I get…loopy. Have daydreams. See things that aren't there. _

_Like the guy in the chicken suit standing in the corner. _

_In for a trip? I'll tell you about one of my daydreams._

_I was a cow. Being milked. OH, YES. Isn't that a delectable mental image? Gaara the cow. Which would make me female. _

_RUN AWAY!_

_I don't understand females. They baffle me. A lot of the time, they'll say one thing and mean the opposite, and I HATE that. I've always been a very straightforward type of guy. If I say I'm gonna kill you, then you're gonna die, it's that simple. I wouldn't tell someone I'm gonna kill them and then turn around and give them a huge ass bear hug.I may have been a ruthless bastard, but at least I was an _honest _bastard. _

_And then there's that whole 'time of the month' business. Let's use Temari as an example. One minute, she's all chipper, and the next it's like "BACK THE _HELL_ OFF BEFORE I EAT YOU!" Either that or she's all weepy. I really don't get it. Do you, Kankuro? You've been around Temari a lot longer than I have. Am I missing some vital factor here? _

_The pen just took another flying lesson. I need to find something else to play with. Like rubber bands. I've got a lot of those. _

_And more coffee. Lots more coffee. _

_With milk. _

* * *

"No, man, I don't understand any better than you."

"I can't believe you can still talk."

"Yeah, well, we Jounins are durable. I can take a hit or two just fine."

"That was more than a 'hit or two,' don't you think?"

"Brain's broken. You'll have to excuse me."

The female of the duo rolled her eyes.

"Gaara the cow…that's more frightening than Gaara possessed by Shukaku."

"Tell me about it. I never realized how…unique our brother is. I mean, where does he come up with this stuff? It's actually kind of funny."

"Well, when you haven't slept in sixteen odd years, you can sort of imagine the chaos that's gotta be going on in his head—not to mention the fact that he's got a demon in him."

"True. He defies nature, that one."

* * *

_Entry 6:_

_So maybe playing with rubber bands wasn't the brightest idea. Those suckers hurt like hell when they backfire on you. I've got a welt on my hand because my sand wasn't quick enough to ward it off. _

_Cheap._

_Someone has to produce an improved brand. Mine's clearly reached the end of the line. It's crapping out. _

_Mom probably won't like that I suggested that. _

_And you know what the funny thing is? _

_I don't care. _

_Had another daydream. This one featured Sexy no Jutsu. Don't ask me why. I've spent too much time around Naruto. He's corrupting my pure, virgin thoughts, the bastard. Next thing you know, I'll be a twenty-year-old lecher carrying around those books of Kakashi's and giggling hysterically like a naughty schoolboy. _

_Anyway, the daydream. _

_I was female again, obviously, (but not a cow this time!) and…I was…well…sexy. Dead sexy. I _so _sexy, I wanted myself. _

_If that's not morally _wrong_ on every count, I don't know what is. _

_Cue the Twilight Zone theme song. _

_In what world do you want yourself in female form? In what world do you get the chance to _see _yourself in female form, for cripes sake! _

_I had this cute little voice too. Sickeningly cute. _

_And my chest…_

_Yeah, it was big. _

_Does this mean I have been shown, in some remarkably perverse way, the type of woman I want? _

_Gives me shivers. _

_BLECHHHH._

_Aren't you two so _happy _you wheedled me into doing this? I'm sure by now you've seen more of what goes on in my head than you'd care to. It's a scary place, ain't it?_

_Welcome to my world. _

_Heh. _

_Always wanted to say that. _

_Now if you'll excuse me, my pointy hat and I have to go be all official and imposing. Maybe I'll write more later, maybe I won't. We'll see. _

_Mr. Chipmunk_

* * *

"Wow…"

"Yeah…"

Temari closed the red-leather cover of the notebook, exchanging glances with her brother.

"That was…wow…"

Kankuro nodded. "That's exactly how I feel."

Their eyes met and held.

As one, the two siblings roared with laughter, oblivious to the new presence in the doorway.

Sabaku no Gaara—or Mr. Chipmunk—Kazekage of the Sand and youngest brother of Temari and Kankuro, leaned against the doorframe, watching them.

"I take it you're both satisfied."

Kankuro recovered first. He looked over his shoulder at his brother with a grin. "I don't think I've laughed so hard in my life."

A ghost of a smile appeared on Gaara's face as he moved into the room and flopped into an armchair. "Well that's just fabulous, Kankuro. I can die happy now," he claimed, voice dripping sarcasm.

"You _are_ going to write more, aren't you?" Temari demanded once she'd gotten her amusement under control. "It's a good exercise for someone like you. Helps keep track of your thoughts."

If Gaara had been blessed with eyebrows, one of them would've been cocked.

"Don't try to be sly with me, Temari. You're just fishing for a plausible way to encourage me for your own personal enjoyment."

His sister raised one of her own eyebrows. "And? Your point is?"

Gaara stared at her, completely nonplussed. _Wonderful. Another stupid decision on my part that I'm going to pay for in spades…I never should have touched that damn notebook…_

"I'll think about it."

Temari smirked triumphantly at Kankuro, who smirked right back.

Baited.

* * *

Wow. This has to be one of the most random stories I've EVER written, but…the idea popped into my head, and I had to roll with it. XD Probably because I was listening to Oh! Naruto Nippon (funniest radio show EVER!) earlier, and it inspired me. The cow and Sexy no Jutsu bits are in there. Such good stuff. 


	2. Round 2

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**Round 2** _

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_Entry 7:_

_You bastards are persuasive. I had every intention of taking this notebook and chucking it in a landfill, but two things stopped me:_

_1.) There are weirdos out there who make it a hobby to sift through other people's junk (one of the mysteries of the world…I mean, think about it. Say someone tossed out used boxers. Who in their right mind would want used boxers? Another dude's _crotch _rubbed all over them. So, if random person A puts them on in their used state, that's the equivalent of direct crotch to crotch contact. Nasty. Makes me feel dirty, and I'm not even the one doing it!) If one of these rogue garbage hunters happen to get their hands on this thing…well, those are the types of people whom I _don't _want to have access to my thoughts. Period._

_2.) The notebook is red. I'm sure you're both sitting there all smug and proud of your ingenious plot, I can just see it. You knew I wouldn't be able to resist a red notebook, which is the reason why you made sure to give me one with a red cover. I can't help that red's my favorite color. It just is. And you took advantage of me. I don't particularly care for being taken advantage of. Not high on my list of my favorite things._

_Look out. Mr. Chipmunk is now Mr. Irritated Chipmunk, and he's coming for you. Don't sleep tonight, or I'll sneak in while you're passed out and chomp you to death. With my chipmunk teeth. And my chipmunk cheeks. Though cheeks don't exactly chomp, do they? They're just…kind of there._

_And I suppose chipmunks don't chomp, either. It's more like they nibble._

_Hmm…_

_"I'LL NIBBLE YOU TO DEATH!"_

_That doesn't sound scary. _

_Sounds like a toddler who has more gums than teeth, and about all they can manage is to drool on you. _

_Gaara, the great and terrible drool machine! Lock your doors! Bar your windows! Retreat to the storm cellar!_

_Riiiight. _

_I'm not your average chipmunk, so if I want to chomp, then I'm gonna chomp! _

_Nyah! _

* * *

"HAH! What did I tell you? I knew he'd write more." 

"You didn't tell me anything. I knew he would, too."

"Don't be a smart ass."

"But I'm so _good _at being a smart ass. It's in my nature."

"It's also in your nature to carry around dolls and wear makeup."

"Karasu is _not _a doll! He's a puppet!"

"What's the difference? They're both inanimate objects commonly played with by children."

A spluttering noise. "You…I…this…"

"Go on. Spit it out."

"You're evil incarnate."

"Aww! How sweet."

Time for a change of topic. "You know, I think you started something with the chipmunks."

"It certainly seems that way, doesn't it?" A snort. "Nibble…" Giggles. "Gaara's definitely not a nibbler."

"He does drool from time to time, though."

Breathless laughter. "Only when he's possessed. He doesn't drool normally."

"And if he ever gets wind of this conversation, we're screwed."

"Up the ass."

"With a crowbar."

"…..."

"Maybe not a crowbar."

_

* * *

_

_Entry 8: _

_Why is it that every time I decide to let loose and enjoy myself a little, someone inevitably walks in on me and makes me feel like a total douche bag?_

_Take last week. _

_So, there I was, being my Kazekage self, strolling through the house aimlessly, when I took a little detour to the foyer. The one with all those shiny marble tiles. That had just been polished. _

_A.k.a. ' hella good surface for sliding on.'_

_Now, since you know me, you know that I have never before indulged in such immature delights as sliding across a polished marble floor in my stocking feet (I actually put socks on for this very purpose), however there must have been some contagion in the air that results in an inclination to engage in juvenile behaviors when inhaled, because I was suddenly filled with the urge to just _go.

_And damn, did I go. _

_The floor was _very_ slippery. More than I anticipated. I kind of lost control at one point._

_I'll bet you can guess what happened next. _

_Just as I was getting ready to barrel into a wall, who walks in but a couple of my advisors, a.k.a. people who are NOT supposed to witness the Kazekage sliding down a hall, and of his own will, at that. _

_This is what they heard and saw: _

_'DAMN IT! AUGH!" –Insert redhead sans eyebrows windmilling his arms around in the air to keep his balance while his pretty Kazekage robes tangle around his feet—"SONOFABITCH! MOTHER EFFING SHIT!" –Redhead is saved from colliding with a decorative table by his defective sand and the tangling of the pretty Kazekage robes becomes steadily worse—"YEAAAAAAAAUGH! (and other assorted sounds)"—Redhead loses battle with robes and his feet go flying from under him, at which point his sand saves the day again and catches him before he can crack his head on the shiny polished marble tiles. _

_That is what happened, verbatim. _

_I kid you not. _

_My advisors did a bad job of concealing their amusement, and they didn't even stop after I glared at them—probably because I was still in a heap on the floor. _

_No more polished marble tile sliding for me. _

_Guh. My hand's cramping up. I'll continue later. _

* * *

Temari had a stitch in her side, and tears rolled down her face as she howled with laughter. "Floors…" she wheezed, "Gaara…sliding…" 

Kakuro found himself in a similar state.

He was smart, however, and did not try to say anything until he caught his breath.

"Oh lord…I'm so pissed we missed that!"

Temari still had not regained her composure.

"Sliding…Gaara…" She literally shook like a leaf with mirth.

Her brother examined her with a somewhat concerned look on his face.

"Are you having a hernia?"

"Huh?" She calmed a bit. "A hernia?"

"Yeah. I heard people double over and clutch their sides like that when they get one."

"Where the hell did you hear that?"

"Somewhere."

"Gee whiz, Kankuro, that's helpful."

A pause.

"Did you just say _gee whiz_?"

"………."

"HAHAHA! YOU DID!"

"Shut up!"

"Well, _shucks_, I don't know if I can." Snicker, snicker.

Once again, crashing noises could be heard.

"DIE!"

_

* * *

_

_Entry 9: (I need to come up with a more creative title for these…)_

_Where was I? Oh, right, today's little misadventure. _

_So I had my headphones on in the council room (I spend my life in there anymore, it seems…), waiting for the rabble I was supposed to meet with to arrive, and reading over some stupid report on burnooses (don't ask…I have no control over the crap that reaches my desk…). _

_Kankuro has made this observation once before—and I thwacked you good afterward, didn't I?—but I sort of…selectively chose to forget about it until now. Whenever I read with my headphones on, I tend to zone out and…and…_

_And I sing. _

_The horror. _

_OH THE HORROR! _

_Remember, folks, I'm Gaara. One-time murderer extraordinaire. Possessed of Shukaku, _all-time_ psychotic, irrational, used-to-dance-the-polka beastie. (He really told me that he danced the polka. He may have been tripped out on something in my bloodstream, but that's what he said, I swear). _

_Shukaku cannot sing. _

_Neither can Gaara. _

_Ha. Ha. Ha. _

_Another bad situation._

_While I was reading and waiting,a really catchy song came on, and I couldn't help myself. I started singing. Loudly. I'm sure I was off key, too. _

_In marches the predictable outcome…_

_…wait for it…_

_…wait for it…_

I was caught.

_Fate must be getting back at me for the atrocities I've committed in my not-so-distant past. Between that and the floor tile incident, I don't know if I've ever been so embarrassed…and I'll bet I just cursed myself for making that claim. Damn. _

_Ah, good times in Kazekage-land. _

* * *

Snorts. "He really _can't _sing. The sounds that come out of his mouth call to mind a dying moose." 

"I could've sworn I shut you up."

"I told you. I'm durable."

A pause.

"_Moose_? Why a moose?"

"Because. Have you ever heard a moose? They make this goofy 'MOOOOK!' noise. So a dying moose would be…like…'MWAWOOKAAAaaaaaaaa!' or something of the sort."

Another, much lengthier pause.

"That…was…disturbing. Please, for the love of all things holy, don't do that again. Ever."

"Mook."

"Kankuro."

"Moo-ook!"

"Kankuro."

"MOOOOOOK!"

"DAMN IT, KANKURO!"

"Meow."

The longest pause yet.

"I _loathe_ you utterly."

"Point for me."

_

* * *

_

_Stream-of-Consciousness 10: (That's dumb…gah…)_

_All right, hold the presses, BIG BREAKING NEWS!_

_I have recently acquired a copy of the infamous reading material commonly seen in the hands of one Hatake Kakashi, masked pervert and former sensei to one Uzumaki Naruto (twit), entitled (and justly, I might add) Icha Icha Paradise. _

_Holy. Frigging. Crap._

_There is a reason for that 'restricted' symbol on the back cover, make no mistake. _

_I mean, this is some pretty heavy stuff, man. _

_Enough to put hair on the chest of a two-year-old. _

_Would it be bad if I admitted that I liked it? _

_Seriously, I'm a teenage MALE, for cripes sake. My raging hormones have not been allowed to rage…ever…so the only alternative they had was to simmer impatiently under my skin for a few ice ages while I went on crack-induced killing frenzies and listened to Shukaku bitch at me about going to sleep so he could wreak havoc using my body. _

_Oh, and did I mention my sand? Yeah, it talks too. In Mom's voice. She's an annoying old bag, and she needs to die already and leave me the hell alone so I can get new sand that actually works._

_My point is, I'm a teenager, I'm a guy, and I'm horny. _

_Is that blunt enough?_

_I think it's absolutely hilarious that everyone has this preconceived notion that I'm androgynous in practice. And don't even try to deny it, my dearest siblings, because I'd know you're lying. _

_'He's Gaara. He's not interested in all that.' _

_My name has become associated with a way of life, I've noticed. _

_Here's another secret for you. _

_I _am_ interested. _

_I _like _girls. (I just don't understand them)._

_I _do _appreciate a nice ass. _

_And…as evidenced from my Sexy no Jutsu delirium…chests are _good_. Very good. _

_GASP! SHOCK!_

_Now we will await the end of the world…the sky is falling…pigs are flying…_

_Gaara is a boy. Gaara is not an it._

_Gaara is talking about himself in third person. Gaara needs to stop, or he'll make Gaara mad._

_You notice how my entries are getting longer? Maybe the apocalypse really is coming…_

_But, oh, Icha Icha Paradise._

_For as much as Kakashi's a moron lacking taste (ahem, HAIR?), he knows how to pick books._

_Mmmm…Icha Icha…_

_And, f.y.i., if either of you flap your jaws about this, I'll personally lop off your heads and roast 'em over a cooking fire. Make s'mores._

_Yum._

* * *

"Well that was rude." 

"What was?"

"He still doesn't trust us! I mean, this is the type of information that we should feel special about knowing, so we can assume a mysterious physique in the presence of other, less fortunate individuals who are out of the loop, you know? Like, 'Ha, ha! We know the Kazekage better than you ever will! Suckers!' Get it?"

"No."

"You're just cheesed off because I trumped your ass twice now."

"Kankuro—"

"La, la, la, laaa!"

"YOU'RE IMPOSSIBLE!"

"And Gaara likes a good rack. There's a surprise." A devious cackle. "Poor Temari. Even if you weren't his sister, Gaara wouldn't give you a second glance. You've got anthills for bo—"

The puppet-wielding young man was unable to complete his statement due to the fan that whacked him in the mouth, rendering him, for the moment, speechless.

"Bastard!"

The peanut gallery remained silent.

"Anthills…humph! I do _not _have anthills! What the hell were you doing looking at my boobs anyway, you sick perv? I'm your _sister_!"

Comment from Kankuro?

"Mmphh." Rough translation: You psycho bitch! My teeth are broken!

"ARGH!"

"Mrrrph!" Kankuro speechifier: Damn it! I can't feel my mouth! There's blood gushing everywhere!

"HOLD UP!" Temari's eyes gleamed. "How did Gaara get a copy of Icha Icha Paradise?"

"….." –What? I'm psychic? How the hell should I know?

"Dude…someone must've bought it for him, because he's not eighteen yet. But who, though?" She held her chin, completely ignoring Kankuro, who continued to empty out his veins through the gash in his mouth.

"……" –I'm gonna to bleed to death. This sucks.

* * *

_Random Crap 11: (That one's not good, either)._

_Well damn, I believe admitting that I am not an asexual lump has opened up the floodgates for all sorts of unsettling visions…_

_I had another daydream. About myself. In Sexy no Jutsu form. And—this is where it gets completely effed up—I was there, too. Hot chica me and…normal me._

_Would I make this up?_

_I am telling you the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth._

_Oh, Shukaku was there, also. Drunk as a skunk on acid. Dancing polka._

_I'm rather troubled about the state of my mental processes, I must admit. They are completely jacked up…more so than usual._

_I can't take it anymore! I have to get this out._

_I MADE OUT WITH MYSELF!_

_Yes, you read that correctly._

_I._

_MADE. _

_OUT. _

_WITH. _

_MYSELF._

_—Dramatic pause here—_

_NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!_

_Wrong. So…wrong…_

_But I was hot! I couldn't help it! I had this little red dress on, and my hair was all…mussed…and those lips…and that chest…_

_NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!_

_Lips…chest…_

_GAH!_

_I've decided that Naruto is going to die. It's his fault. If he hadn't invented that ridiculous jutsu, I wouldn't be having issues right now. DAMN IT! NARUTO, YOU'RE DRAGGING ME DOWN THE ROAD OF DEPRAVITY!_

_Gaara is in the middle of a crisis. Gaara must attend counseling. Shukaku needs to SHUT UP…laughing bastard…_

_Isn't this fun?_

_This is what I put up with every single day._

_Insomnia is a _bitch.

_The end._

_—CHOMP—_

_Made out with myself…lord help me…I'm a modern-day Narcissus…_

* * *

Kankuro still had not regained the use of his voice, however he did manage to get the bleeding under control by stuffing a towel in his mouth. Quite an intelligent decision, because he would have started gushing all over again from laughing had he not. 

Temari developed an intimate relationship with the carpet. She made a series of squeaking noises as she tried to draw breath around her chortles, quite unconcerned about how this scene may appear to bystanders.

Given the Kazekage's incredible streak of good fortune, he happened to be one of those lucky bystanders. Huzzah!

"I don't know whether or not to be mortified, or hack you both to pieces instead."

"Mrrph!" –You're the one who wrote the stuff, fartface. It's your own damn fault you're in this position!

"Gaara," Temari wheezed, "you are…possibly…the funniest…person…I have..._ever_...met."

"My, how wonderful," the redhead deadpanned, rolling his eyes skyward. "Had your fill now? Can I carry on with my life?"

"Where did you get Icha Icha Paradise?"

The room went so quiet, one could hear a pin drop.

"I'm Kazekage," Gaara finally replied. "I have access to _everything_."

His sister could not help but feel a tad disappointed. "That's not a suitable answer! Who gave it to you?"

"My aunt Bertha."

Kankuro snorted into his towel.

Temari turned an interesting shade of purple.

"WE DON'T HAVE AN AUNT BERTHA!"

"Oh?" Gaara said nonchalantly. "Bummer."

With that, he turned on his heel and left, whistling a strange little tune and smirking as Temari's anguished wail provided accompaniment.

When he said the Kazekage had access to everything, he meant it.

_Time to do a little reading of my own…_

_HEHEHEHEHEHE._

* * *

Wheee! 

So, I have two more chapters planned after this, one for Temari, and one for Kankuro :smirks: That should be fun, ne? I'm also thinking of making a 'Confessions of' for Sasuke and Orochimaru. Sound good? XD

Thanks for the reviews, guys! They made my day! I'm glad you're enjoying this as much as I'm enjoying writing it!


	3. Tables Turned Part I: Temari

**

* * *

**

**Tables Turned Part I: Temari**

* * *

Gaara of the Sand was quite fond of his bedroom, which just so happened to be one of the largest rooms in the compound. Many eyebrows—not his, obviously—were raised when the redheaded Kazekage declared in his most intimidating voice that anyone who chose to comment on his decision to claim a bedroom would find themselves exiled faster than a jackrabbit on crack, which achieved the desired effect: nobody said a word. 

Perhaps, considering the young Sand-nin's delicate condition—there are a select few people in the world who play house to deranged, hyperactive demons with major cases of cabin fever—Gaara did not exactly _need_ the room, or the huge, king-sized bed complete with red sheets and delightfully springy mattress, but, as he had spent more than enough time deprived of both sleep and his own space to do it in, he was adamant on the matter. He wanted the room, so he was going to have the room!

At this very moment, he was sprawled on his bed, chin in his hands, feet bobbing back and forth, face a picture of childlike glee. Two journals, one with a blue cover, and one with a purple, were open in front of him, just waiting to be read, and he was more than happy to oblige. After his own experience of recording the chaos that went on in his head, he was positively itching to delve into the minds of his brother and sister.

"This should be good," he grinned to himself, deciding to start with the blue journal, which happened to be Temari's.

Just as he was about to take the plunge, he sensed a lurker standing outside his door, and sighed inwardly. He'd know that chakra anywhere.

_Damn nosy ingrate…_

"Quit loitering and get your painted ass in here," Gaara demanded, shoving the purple journal underneath one of the voluminous pillows near the headboard. It would be no good if he were caught with that one.

The door creaked open, and Kankuro poked his face in, which was clear of his usual violet, 'decorative enhancements,' as he enjoyed calling them, and his head was free of his cat-eared hood.

"I do not put paint on my ass," he scowled.

It was times like these that Gaara wished he had a pair of eyebrows.

"I'll take your word for it," he said, and then looked pointedly at the door, which stood ajar. "Do us a favor and shut that, eh? And put that little sign on the knob, while you're at it," he added as an afterthought. "No one will dare to interrupt if that sucker's there."

Out of sheer curiosity, Kankuro lifted the sign his brother indicated off of the inner doorknob and examined it closely.

_DANGER. SHUKAKU CROSSING. DEMON WILL NOT STOP FOR TRAFFIC. _

The elder of the two brothers let out a bark of laughter.

"You've got a twisted sense of humor," he chortled, and stuck the sign on the outer knob; a well-aimed heel closed the door.

Gaara inclined his head, and motioned Kankuro to take a seat, sticking the blue journal between them. "Look what I nicked."

Kankuro looked. After a few seconds, his eyes went comically wide.

"Dude! That's Temari's! How in all hell did you get it? I mean…dude…_I've_ tried before, but she's always caught me!"

Apparently, his mouth had healed enough for him to talk normally again.

Hurrah.

"Yeah, well, I'm a sneaky bastard, what can I say," Gaara shrugged with infuriating unconcern, well aware that such an action would make his brother mad. Tormenting one's siblings was the civic duty of the youngest child, after all, and he was quite good at it. Granted, when he was a small, precocious boy, he had taken to tormenting them bodily, however he had progressed beyond those days, and found his niche in tongue-lashing instead.

As predicted, Kankuro made a huffy noise, though he was far too interested in the contents of the journal to remain perturbed for long.

"Let's just read it. The anticipation's killing me."

Gaara could have drawn out the torture for as long as he wished, but then _he _would have to wait, too, and…he didn't want to wait.

"We should probably start with something recent…"

"Yeah. Try the beginning of this week."

* * *

_Monday--_

_Ugh. Today has been one of the longest days of my life. Time seemed to just draaaaaaag…good thing I know I can sleep in a bit tomorrow, because I've got nothing huge going on. At least, I think I don't. That may change if Gaara's in a mischievous mood, the little shit. I'm positive he sends me on these delegations to see how far he can push me before I crack. _

_I have half a mind to spank him with my fan. He's the kind of kid who needs to be spanked every now and then. Humph!_

_I mean, why do I have to be the one to travel all over the damn universe while he sits on his ass and laughs? He doesn't make Kankuro go. _

_Kankuro gets to play with his overgrown doll all day long. _

_Why is it just me who sees the injustice here?_

_The only good thing that comes out of being stuck in Konoha is that Nara's there. He's an interesting guy, for all that he whines too often. And he always looks like he's high on angel dust. And he really could get his hair cut. That ponytail is so…not attractive. _

_Not that there's anything attractive about him to begin with. _

* * *

"How many times do I have to tell you people? Karasu is _not _a doll! He's a _puppet_!" 

"Don't get your panties in a bunch, sunshine."

A long pause. "I'm going to pretend like I didn't hear that."

Snickers. "I never realized Temari was such a naughty girl."

Confusion. "Eh? Whaddaya mean by that?"

"You saw what she wrote. She wants to spank me." More snickers. "Sad, really. She needs to find a boyfriend, if she has time to fantasize about spanking her baby brother."

A snort. "I hate to break it to you, slick, but you're not much better than she is. Who's the one who made out with _himself_, hmm?"

Without missing a beat, the younger replied tartly, "It's not my fault I make a hot chick." His tone became sly. "You're just jealous because you'd look like a shaved dog ass with eyes if you tried Sexy no Jutsu."

A spluttering noise. "WHAT? I would not! I'd be hotter than you!"

"Wanna bet?"

"Huh?"

"We can do it right now. How much will you wager, eh?"

"Woah. Now hold on a mi—"

"Come on! How much will you bet me that you'll be hotter?"

"……"

"HAH! Pansy. Not so confident anymore, are you?"

"Shut up, Chipmunk."

Ah, the trump card.

"Kankuro."

"Awww, poor widdwe chipmunk wost his nuts!"

"Kankuro…"

"LOOK AT HIS WIDDWE CHEEKIE-POOS!"

There was a loud crash, and a _thump _when Kankuro went flying from the bed and slid down the wall, Gaara watching him, wild-eyed.

"Don't mess with the Chipmunk, bitches!"

_

* * *

_

_Monday night—_

_I've been thinking about this all day, so I had to make a list. _

_Things not Attractive about Nara Shikamaru:_

_1.) He's lazy._

_2.) He wears mesh shirts. That's so lame. (Oh...wait...so do I...shit.)_

_3.) He has a really lethargic voice, and I want to punch him by the time he finishes blabbing. _

_4.) He talks almost as much as Kankuro when he's whining. Which is always. _

_5.) He plays Shogi and Go like an old man. (Booooring). _

_6.) He has to be goaded into doing things, because he has no motivation whatsoever. _

_7.) He's lazy. _

_8.) He's _really _lazy. _

_9.) He has that damn ponytail. (One of these days I think I'll just sneak up behind him and chop it off. He'll never know what hit him). _

_10.) He's the laziest person on the planet, and he wastes valuable air that could be used by the other upstanding citizens who deserve it more than he does. _

_I really don't understand why I hang around him so much. It kills me, because, most of the time, I totally rip him a new asshole, and he just sort of sits there like a lump and does nothing about it. That kind of weirds me out, to be honest. I'm more used to bantering and screaming matches than I am to this. Makes me wonder what he'd do if, oh, I don't know…a giant gorilla leapt out in the middle of his path when he wasn't expecting it. _

_I can't see him running away screaming, because I don't think he's capable of making a noise like that. _

_He'd probably say 'troublesome' and let the damn thing run him over. _

_How the hell he managed to become a Jounin, I'll never guess. _

_I'm glad I'm going home in a couple days. His sluggishness has started to rub off on me…_

_Definitely not a good sign. _

_I'm highly disturbed. _

_Looks like Gaara's not the only nutcase in our family._

_Must be a defective gene. _

* * *

"She's probably right about that one." 

Kankuro had recovered from his abrupt lesson in the art of tumbling. Even better, nothing seemed to be broken or bleeding, which was a definite plus. He didn't care for a repeat of the fan incident.

"Well damn. I was under the impression that I'm special."

Shukaku, who had been silent for much longer than usual—Gaara had actually started to grow alarmed, since his uninvited tenant normally yakked on for hours without shutting up—had to throw his two cents into the hat.

**You are special, dipshit. Nobody else has me! NOW LEMME OUTTA HERE! I NEED NEW SCENERY, DAMN IT! I haven't been polka dancing in ages! I don't remember how anymo—**

"You can go to hell and rot with your damn polka," Gaara told him, speaking aloud while Kankuro looked at him as if he had sprouted extra appendages from places they should not have been. "And I was thinking more along the lines of my pointy hat, actually."

**WHAT? ARE YOU SAYING I'M NOT SPECIAL? ARE YOU—**

"I'll listen to _that _song if you don't shut your yap, so help me."

The demon almost howled in anguish.

**NOOOOOOOOOOO! NOT THAT ONE!**

"Yes, that one. Buzz off."

Shukaku was as quiet as a mouse from then on.

Kankuro's jaw hung slightly agape.

"Wow…that...happens often?"

Gaara rolled his eyes. "More than you'd imagine."

"What song were you threatening him with?"

A wolfish grin. "The Swedish Chef Song."

Kankuro shuddered. He would've clammed up if he had to listen to that, too.

Another change of subject seemed to be in order at the moment.

"Temari talks a lot about that Nara guy."

"Of course she does. She wants to jump him. It's obvious."

This time around, the pause was tense, almost surly. "That's…ACKKKK!"

"Your grasp of language is astounding."

Kankuro plowed on as if his brother hadn't spoken. "She's nearly three years older than he is!"

"So she's a cradle robber. What do you want from me?"

He could not come up with a suitable reply to that. "I…just…It's wrong." He stated flatly, arms crossed over his chest.

"Oh-ho! Am I sensing…_jealousy_?"

"No! I'm not jealous! I just don't want some _kid_ groping my sister!"

Gaara's voice oozed sarcasm. "Aww. That's sweet in a gag-me sort of way."

"Shut up! I'm serious!"

"I know."

But Kankuro was too busy muttering curses under his breath, most of which were directed at a certain, lazy, pony tailed Jounin who lived miles away.

**He's jealous, **Shukaku piped in importantly.

"You know, for once, I actually agree with you."

_

* * *

_

_Tuesday—_

_Oh. My. Lord. _

_I cannot believe this is happening. I'm so PISSED! I can't BELIEVE this! _

_My face was clear when I went to bed. It was perfect. There was not a mark on it. Nothing. Nada. Zip. Zilch. I washed it, I brushed my teeth, and I was satisfied. More than satisfied. Everything was normal. And so I went to sleep, not a care in the world, and I slept really well, too. Like a bomb. Once my head hit the pillow, I was _out. _I don't even think I dreamed—and if I did, I don' t remember what I dreamed about. _

_And then I woke up._

_Everything was still normal. _

_I went into the bathroom. Peed. Looked in the mirror. _

_That's when everything STOPPED being normal. _

_There, right in front of my eyes, was a big, red, ZIT. _

_A ZIT! ME! _

_And where was it? _

_RIGHT SMACK DAB IN THE MIDDLE OF MY NOSE. _

_This is a catastrophe. I don't GET zits. I never do. Never. Last time I had one was when I was twelve. _

_SO WHY NOW? IS GOOD SLEEP AN INVITATION FOR A ZIT ORGY?_

_I have nothing to hide it with. I don't carry cover-up on me, because I've never needed it. _

_ARGH! _

_You know, it just figures. I'll be home tomorrow, and I get the zit today, when I'll be seeing _him.

_'Hey, Shikamaru! Look at the lovely honker on my nose! You think I'm hot, don't you?' _

_Why me? Why? _

_I'll bet that little witch Ino never gets zits on her nose. Her and her perfect hair that's blonder than mine, and her perfect outfits and her pretty blue eyes…_

_Bimbo. _

_Tuesdays suck ass, especially this one. _

_A zit…_

_DAMN IT ALL!_

* * *

"Now that I think about it, I don't believe I've ever had a zit in my life." Instinctively,Gaara's hand went to his face, where it encountered smooth, unblemished skin the color of porcelain. He turned to his brother, expression grave. "Look at that. Flawless." 

His face equally attentive, Kankuro reached out and brushed his fingers against his brother's cheek, as if he were an expert connoisseur of beauty products, and remarked in a fawning tone, "Oh yes. Absolutely ravishing."

Then he grinned, and patted Gaara's cheek, hard. He managed to yank his hand away in time to avoid the sand that swirled around the Kazekage as a shield, though a rather weak one.

"I really need to get rid of this garbage," he muttered disgustedly, and the sand spiraled about his head reprovingly. "Oh, stop that, for cripes sake."

The sand retreated, albeit crossly.

"Ridiculous," growled the redheaded young man. "I never get a break. There's _always_ something."

Kankuro, between reading Gaara's journal and spending this bit of time with him now, started to develop a new appreciation for what his brother had to deal with on a constant basis. Sure, he and Temari had their own problems—like errant pimples—but they also didn't have half-mad sand trailing them wherever they went, nor did they have a polka-dancing, blood lusting demon sealed inside their bodies.

"I don't know how you do it, man," he said, shaking his head.

"Neither do I, to be honest."

"But at least you have your pointy hat."

"I _do_ have my pointy hat," Gaara agreed. "And a beauteous complexion to match."

* * *

_Wednesday—_

_Shit. _

_That's all I have to say… _

_Oh bother.  
_

_That's NOT all I have to say… _

_All right, all right, here's what happened. There was an impromptu get-together with a bunch of the Chuunins and Jounins, and I did my best to cover up the monstrosity on my nose, but…my best wasn't good enough. At all. It was so obvious I had a zit. First off, it was so red that nothing I put on it would mask the color, and secondly, the color I did settle on was two shades darker than my original skin tone…so it…it clashed. I swear, when I walked in, I could feel the eyes being drawn to my nose. As if it were a bright, shiny beacon, screaming "LOOK AT ME!" Not only that, but my hair decided not to cooperate with me as well, and my ponytails were droopy, not springy like usual. _

_I wanted to die. Seriously. _

_And OF COURSE the bimbo was there, and she snickered at me behind her hand, and I knew what she was doing too, the bitch. I wanted to take my fan and cram it down her throat. _

_She wouldn't be laughing anymore then, that's for certain. _

_But that's not the worst part. _

_Shikamaru is a tactless bastard. _

_'Your nose looks weird,' he said. _

_In front of everyone._

_Your nose looks weird._

_GEE, THANKS, SHIKAMARU! I HAD NO EFFING CLUE! HOLY SHIT, WHAT A REVELATION!_

_Yeah, you like that? _

_PARDON ME WHILE I KICK YOUR STOMACH THROUGH YOUR ASS!_

_Boys are the scum of the earth. If I didn't need them for future reproductive purposes, I'd swear them all off entirely. _

_………_

_Or not. _

* * *

As one, both Gaara and Kankuro winced. 

"I thought Shikamaru was supposed to have an I.Q. that went off the charts."

"Yeah, so did I."

A pause.

"Well, there you have it, Kankuro. Looks like she won't have some _'kid'_ mooning all over her after all."

But he was still skeptical. "We'll see."

"Yeah, and soon," Gaara said, and snapped the journal shut, chucking it beneath the comforter. "She's outside. Don't let on that you've seen it, or I'll tell her _you _stole it."

With that incentive, Kankuro would have no trouble keeping his mouth shut.

There came the knock.

"Gaara? What are you doing? Can I come in? I heard voices, and Kankuro's disappeared."

"Guess she ignored the sign," whispered Gaara to Kankuro. "Yeah! Come in!" He called to Temari.

The door banged open, and there was another communal wince.

"Oy, sorry about that," the blonde apologized, looking sheepish. Her eyes locked on her brothers, who were stretched out on Gaara's bed, and she immediately grew suspicious.

"What the hell have you two been doing?"

"Having some brotherly bonding time," Kankuro replied with aplomb, wrapping an arm about Gaara's head. "Are we not allowed to do that now, Mommy?"

Gaara snorted, and Temari turned the same shade of purple she had when the Kazekage left her earlier.

"I can knock all of your teeth out, if you'd like," she said menacingly, hand on the hilt of her fan. "I think I missed a few on the last go."

Kankuro paled.

"I'll leave them where they are, if it's all the same to you."

Rolling off the bed, he nodded at Gaara, then swept past his sister, but not before saying, "Nice nose," at which point she tore after him, the sounds of their heavy footsteps and shouted insults echoing through the hallways.

"About time," Gaara remarked, and felt around for the purple journal, which was still nestled safe beneath his pillow. "I'll have some peace and quiet…"

**Like hell you will, **sniffed Shukaku. **You keep leaving me out of the action, and I refuse to be left out now! **He punctuated that statement with an intimidating growl.

Gaara sighed.

"Oh, whatever. Just keep your babbling to a dull roar, okay?"

Shukaku made a rude noise.

"Yeah? Well I feel the same way about you."

**Just read, would ya?**

"Fine, fine."

He opened the journal on his lap and began to read.

* * *

XD This story is so much fun to write. HEHEHEHE. I HAD to throw Shukaku in, because...I just see him as being this crazy, off-the-wall character, and I wanted to give him some time in the spotlight. He'll be around in Kankuro's chapter, too. Hee-hee! 

Again, thank you so much for the reviews! MUAH!


	4. Tables Turned Part II: Kankuro

**

* * *

**

**Tables Turned Part II: Kankuro**

* * *

Gaara had every intention of reading the journal he held in his lap straight away, before anyone could wander by and interrupt, however he had no defense against meddlesome demons that just so happened to be sealed within his body, and insisted on making their voices heard at the greatest frequency and volume possible. 

**Wait. Don't read yet. I'm hungry! Go eat something! Maybe a scrap or two will float by me on the way down…but make sure it's not spicy. That'll give me major gas. **

The redhead's mouth twisted in disgust. "Do you have any idea how many levels of raunchy that is? Lord…" His entire face contorted. "I don't want to _think_ of your bodily functions…functioning…in there…" He shuddered, and then his stomach gave a very loud growl.

_You're kidding me, right? I can't be hungry at a time like this!_

**HAH! **Shukaku cried in triumph. **You're hungry, too! **

"No I'm not," Gaara said quickly, focusing on the purple journal. "I'm fi—"

His stomach growled again, much louder this time, as if rebuking him for not giving it what it wanted, and he almost screamed in frustration.

Of course, the tanuki was overjoyed, and he just _had _to make his jubilation known. What kind of resident nuisance would he be if he failed to uphold his job description now, anyway?

Shukaku was very conscious about these delicate little matters.

**AHAHAHAHAHA! OWNED, BIZNATCH! Go. Get. Food. Do it. DOOOOO IIIIIIIIT!**

"ALL RIGHT!" Gaara bellowed, well aware that any individuals in the nearby vicinity could hear him. He did not care. They should have taken the hint already that he was off his rocker, and if they hadn't, they were either stupid, unobservant, or both. "I'M GOING!"

And he went, Shukaku's incessant snickers providing background music.

_One of these days, I'll discover a way to shut that bastard up for good…he'll wish he never provoked me then…_

Since the kitchen was on the bottom level of the compound and his bedroom was on the top, the Kazekage had some time to amuse himself with thoughts of exactly _how_ he would go about silencing Shukaku, quite a few of which included sharp, metal hooks and generous amounts of duct tape. Upon reaching his destination, the Sand-nin's mood had much improved, to say the least. He even whistled as he pulled the door to the large, stainless steel refrigerator open, eyes scanning its contents critically for an item that would suit his fancy—and prevent any questionable flare-ups from the demon's wayward digestive system.

"None of this is any good," Gaara declared once he had rifled through various containers of leftovers—more than half of them smelled like rotten eggs, and the remainder included a variety of rather unwholesome ingredients such as spinach.

Gaara hated spinach with a passion that rivaled his distaste for Shukaku and his malfunctioning sand combined. It had an unpleasant, slimy texture that reminded him of earthworms, and the taste left much to be desired.

Temari was the one who liked the stuff, and she had gotten very creative in sneaking it past him over the years into as many meals as she could, but he knew as soon as he had it in his mouth what it was. In those cases, dinner was always a very memorable event, as liberal amounts of spinach-laced food ended up in places that it should not have been, like walls and innocent dining room furniture, however Temari showed no signs of abandoning her quest to end the somewhat irrational discrimination against her favorite green plant—or whatever it was—and the spinach continued cropping up despite Gaara's vehement protests.

"I think I want something sweet," he decided, absently kicking the door of the fridge closed and going for the freezer. A blast of cold mist chafed his face; waving it away, he rummaged through packages of frozen vegetables and meat, shoving them to the side. "Cripes…there's too much junk in here," he muttered, feeling a trifle surly all of a sudden.

**I wanted one of those! **Shukaku protested as his reluctant vessel chucked hot dogs wrapped in tin foil over his shoulder. **'The hell you do that for? You'll ruin them! **

All he received in response was a terse grunt.

**Fine. Be that way**, the tanuki sniffed, leaving Gaara with the distinct impression he was sulking.

_Serves him right_, _damn prick…_

Quite abruptly, his displeasure evaporated.

"Yes!" he exulted, grabbing the small cardboard container and yanking off the lid. The surface of the substance remained unblemished and smooth, indicating no prior use, which, for some reason, made him feel as giddy as a child let loose in a candy store.

Though he was supposed to be in a huff, Shukaku's interest was piqued, and he figured he could forgo the usual behavior that accompanied tantrums just this once.

**What's that? **

"Double chocolate marshmallow swirl," the Kazekage said dreamily, shutting the freezer door. His prize in one hand, he groped for a spoon with the other.

**But what _is _it?**

"Only the best ice-cream ever made," Gaara replied in a manner that suggested the answer should have been obvious. _I better take it upstairs so nobody notices, _he told himself, slipping out of the kitchen and making for the stairs.

Unfortunately, his store of luck seemed to have gone by the wayside.

Temari, clad in a pair of silk shorts and a white tank top, her river of blonde hair flowing freely down her back, examined her brother quizzically, one eyebrow cocked. "Since when do you eat midnight snacks?"

Gaara swore under his breath. It was too late to hide the ice cream; Temari had already seen it.

"I'm hungry," he shrugged, voice casual. "There's no law against late-night pilfering," a spoonful of ice cream found its way into his mouth, and he sighed blissfully. "Besides," he added, "_you_ do it all the time."

His sister had nothing of particular import to say to that, so she kept her mouth shout.

The redhead smirked. "I take it you settled your little dispute with Kankuro, then?"

Temari's grin was savage. "You bet your ass I did." She fell into step beside her brother, plucking the spoon out of his hand for her own scoop of double chocolate marshmallow swirl. "He's just lucky I'm merciful and only blacked out his eyes. Lord, this stuff is _good_," she motioned with the spoon at the container, which Gaara held out of her reach.

"Yeah, I know," he retorted primly, rescuing his captive spoon. "It's mine, so don't get any ideas, woman."

**Tough wench, isn't she?** Shukaku observed.

Gaara nearly buried his nose in the ice cream to smother laughter.

"What's so funny?"

"Nothing. You wouldn't understand."

"Oh yeah? Try me."

"Why?"

Temari glared daggers at him. "Because!"

They were almost at the top of the stairs. Once they crossed the threshold to the upper floor, Gaara immediately veered left in an attempt to head her off.

She followed.

_Damn…I knew I shouldn't have listened to you! _

**I'm not the one who made your stomach growl**, the tanuki blustered in an injured tone.

_Tch…_

They reached Gaara's bedroom. In a last ditch effort, he raced through the doorway, determined to slam the door in her face before she had the chance to barrel in after him. While he was fast, she proved the faster.

"Gaara! Tell me what was so funny!" For emphasis, the blonde girl stamped her foot—the one not blocking the door, of course.

The situation was threatening to fly out of hand if Gaara did not find a diversion, and quick. Once Temari started stamping her feet, mountains of unpleasantness usually followed, and he was in no mind to deal with hysterics, particularly since his fortuitous discovery of the ice cream had put him in a pleasant humor.

And then he had it.

Taking hold of her arm, he dragged her in the room and locked the door as a precaution—Kankuro had demonstrated a miraculous ability to heal in record time recently, and Gaara did not want to take any unnecessary risks.

Before Temari had the chance to protest at the rough treatment, he went to the bed and lifted the purple journal. "Have a gander at this," he said, unable to keep the smugness from his voice.

It took a moment for things to click.

"Wait…is that…"

Gaara's face took on an impish cast. "The most private and profound musings of our dearest middle sibling," he supplied with a wink.

Temari did not bother to suppress her glee, nor did she ask how the journal came to be in his care. "Excellent!" The reason for her campaign against her youngest brother forgotten, she flung herself on the bed eagerly. "Well come on! I've gotta see this!"

Feeling self-congratulatory, the Kazekage chose to oblige his sister without dispute. "I won't be surprised if we lose some brain cells by the end of this."

Temari snorted. "It's been proven that we don't use all of them, anyway, so it won't matter if we fry a few."

Touché.

_

* * *

_

_—27—_

_You know, I'm so sick of those two morons calling Karasu a doll, even after I've told them a million times that he's a puppet. They keep saying there's no difference, but there is! There is SO a difference! Dolls can't fight like Karasu! He's hard-core!_

_I mean, honestly, how many dolls shoot poison darts out of their mouths and look totally badass while doing it?_

_How about…oh…NONE, MAYBE?_

_If only you could talk, Karasu, I'm sure you'd be on them like flies on crap. _Then _they'd be sorry. HUMPH!_

_They abuse my decorative enhancements, too. Around the clock. It never ends. Seriously. It's not like they have any room to talk. Does Temari honestly believe that those stupid ponytails are _appealing_? She looks like she stuck her finger in an electrical socket when she was little and her hair just stayed that way. _

_Not to mention her chest is nonexistent…_

_And Gaara…lord…I don't even know where to begin…_

_Here. I'll make it nice and simple. _

_EYEBROWS._

_Enough said. _

_Well, that and those cheeks, man. He'll look like he's two years old until he dies. They're so…pudgy. Pinchable, you know?_

_I wonder what would have happened if all the people he's killed actually had a chance to get a close look at him before they kicked it. Think about it. The kid's a shrimp, and he has a baby face. How degrading is it to be snuffed by a guy who could pass as a toddler? _

_Although, I will admit, when he goes into crazy possessed mode, he is pretty damn scary. Scarier than Temari after she's just rolled out of bed, even, and _that's _saying something. _

_Whatever. One day they'll appreciate the awesomeness of my ensemble, and they'll beg my forgiveness for not understanding how stylish I really am. Compared to the two of them, I'm the sheik, man. No one else wears a cat-eared hood and gets away with it. _

* * *

There was a moment of silence. 

"WHAT THE HELL IS HIS DEAL?" Temari finally shouted, seething. "WHY DOES HE ALWAYS FOCUS ON MY CHEST? WHERE DID—"

She was forced to stop, as a hand clapped over her mouth.

"Do you want him to wake up and come over here before we get the chance to finish this?"

"…"

"I'll take that as a no." The hand was removed.

"You saw that though, didn't you?" the elder of the two pressed. "He mentioned my chest! He did it when we were reading your stuff, too!"

Shukaku guffawed loudly.

**It's not like he was wrong. She's as flat as a washboard…**

Gaara was thankful that his sister could not hear inside his head.

"Maybe he's got some sort of misdirected Oedipus complex."

A long pause.

"Don't _ever_ say that again. Lord…the thought of my _brother _lusting over me makes me wanna puke."

While Gaara could have mentioned the streak of jealousy Kankuro experienced when they had been conducting a scholarly assessment of their sister's documentations, he held his tongue. Saying anything would alert her to the fact that her journal was no longer hidden under her mattress, which would cause all sorts of problems.

He took a different route instead.

"I had no idea my cheeks were the subject of so much discussion." He frowned, then stood, and went to the mirror perched on the wall. The reflection of a young man with dark red hair and black-rimmed, sea green eyes stared back at him. Almost as a reflex action, his hands went to his cheeks.

There was no doubt about it. They were definitely pudgy.

"You don't think I look like a toddler, do you?" He demanded of Temari, a small crease forming in the middle of his brow.

His sister appeared as if she were trying to swallow an egg whole, shell and all.

"Well…I mean…er…"

His eyes narrowed. "I shouldn't have bothered asking. _You're _the one who started this whole chipmunk bullshit to begin with."

Shukaku let out a bark of laughter, which Gaara ignored.

"I meant it to be affectionate, though," Temari defended herself. "Kankuro's the one who makes fun."

She received a lengthy stare.

"So chipmunk is a term of endearment, now, is it?"

"Yes!"

He held his chin, a wicked twinkle in his eye. "All right. I get to call you porcupine then."

"_What_?"

"It's only fair."

"No it is not!"

"I'm merely showing you my undying affection," he explained innocently.

She glared at him. "Don't you throw my words back at me, you smartass!"

"You wound me so. Pardon me while I try to find a way to kill myself."

"……"

"Yes?"

"I hate you."

_

* * *

_

_—27-later—_

_I made a huge mistake. Like…colossal. I don't think I can fix it, either. _

_Karasu was looking a tad seedy. His hair was all matted and frizzy and…just nasty, so I decided to give it a little trim with one of my kunai._

_I don't know how to cut hair. I should have listened to my instincts and gave up after the first swipe. _

_I can't help that I have a contrary nature…_

_Damn it. Damn it, damn it, damn it! _

_KARASU IS BALD. HE'S BALD! _

_This is a catastrophe. He's not badass without his hair! He's…I can't even look at him!_

_I have no idea what I was thinking. It's not like his hair can grow back after it's been cut, because…yeah. _

_I'M SUCH AN IDIOT!_

_I'll have to get him a wig or something so nobody notices the damage. I'd be the laughingstock of the whole village. I can just hear it…_

_Kankuro tried giving his PUPPET a haircut! HA, HA! WHAT AN EFFING DOUCHE! _

_Where the hell am I going to find a wig, though? I might have to improvise…_

_This sucks._

* * *

"I _thought_ there was something wrong with Karasu!" Temari exclaimed. "His hair's all…straw-like." 

"Damn, do we have an intelligent family," the Kazkage said dryly. "I'm astonished."

A snort. "The sad thing is, I can see him doing it, too. Sitting down with a kunai and trying to cut that doll's hair." She erupted into giggles. "If it was so important, he should've had me do it. I wouldn't have botched the job."

"You think so, eh?"

"I've cut your hair before, don't you remember?"

"I have a selective memory. That must be one of the ones I chose to suppress."

She glared at him again. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"You're a smart girl. I'm sure you can figure it out."

"Gaara," she began dangerously.

"I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt, here, Temari. Take advantage of it."

She let out an exasperated sigh. "You know, sometimes you can be so infuriating, I want to break your jaw."

"My, what a thing to say."

Her ears went pink.

"You're enjoying this, aren't you?" She accused. "You haven't changed at all!"

"One does have a reputation to maintain," he said around a mouthful of ice cream. "If I don't keep up appearances even in my private life, I really will go soft."

She gawped, and, not knowing what else to do, buried her face in her hands.

"I can't handle this…"

He grinned. "I could revert back to my old self, if it would make you feel better—"

"NO," she replied quickly.

And that was that.

_

* * *

_

_—32—_

_Somebody stole my purple paint. _

_I repeat. _

_SOMEBODY STOLE MY PURPLE PAINT. _

_I know I didn't lose it. I always put it back in the same place every time I use it (the second drawer on the left of my dresser) and I know that it was there yesterday, which means somebody must've rifled through my room while I was out and took it._

_Gotta be either my brother or my sister playing a joke. Gotta be. They're devious enough to pull crap like this._

_But that's not the worst part. _

_When I went to the store to buy more, all they had in stock was pink. _

_I'm not even joking. _

_Out of all the colors in the world, they only had PINK. _

_I refuse to wear pink paint. I'd sooner wear Karasu's _wig _before I wear pink paint._

_Unbelievable. _

_Pink paint._

_And that's _still _not the worst part. _

I bought it.

_I bought the pink paint. Then when I was at home…I put it on. Just to see. Of course, Temari walked in on me. She witnessed the horror of the pink paint. I don't think I've ever wanted to die as much as I did then. _

_All I have to say is, good thing Gaara wasn't there, or he would've lashed into me like a whip. The kid's got a mouth on him. _

_I still don't know where my paint is. When I find out who did take it, I'll gut the bastard, make no mistake. _

_And I _will_ find you, so help me. You've ruined my carefully selected ensemble, and that is unacceptable. I need the purple paint, man. It's bad enough that I had to make Karasu's hair out of straw. He's only partially badass now. People have been commenting on it. _

_What happened to his hair? Did it always look like that?_

_SHUT UP ALREADY! ARGH!_

_The strange thing is…they've been commenting on _me_, too. Say it's 'refreshing' to see my 'real' face, or whatever, and that I should ditch the makeup more often._

_………_

_Nobody gets it. Nobody. _

_You're all blind idiots._

* * *

Temari rolled around on the bed, clutching her aching sides, tears streaming from her eyes. "Oh…my…lord…he's…mental…" 

Gaara shook his head. "What did I tell you? I can feel the brain cells leaking out my ear."

That only made her laugh harder.

"I'm…the one…who…took it," she wheezed. "I wanted to see what he'd do—" She doubled over again.

Gaara could no longer help himself; he laughed along with her. "So that's why he's gone cold turkey the past few weeks, you sly devil."

"I did him a service," she said loftily once she got her amusement under control, "he resembles a human being now."

**I suppose I should revise my opinion of this one,** Shukaku admitted. **She's not so bad after all. **

_I'm sure she'd be overjoyed to know she's procured your approval._

**Are you making fun of me?**

_Would I do that?_

_

* * *

_

_—39—_

_Till the end of my days, I'll curse Aburame Shino. This is all his fault, the freak. If he had just minded his own damn business and stayed put, I wouldn't have this problem. Yeah, I guess it is my fault he had a grudge against me, I'll admit that, but honestly! _

_This is what happened. _

_I was sound asleep, not a care in the world, when I felt something brush against my face. Something tiny. At first, I ignored it, but I had a hard time keeping that up when the feeling didn't stop. _

_Whatever it was had lots of legs. _

_They tickled. _

_I woke up. _

_And saw a spider on my face. _

_Not good. Not good at all. _

_I loathe spiders. Come to mention it, I loathe bugs in general, AND IT'S ALL BECAUSE OF SHINO! HE CORRUPTED ME!_

_The guy has bugs crawling around _under his skin, _and he used them on me when we fought. They were everywhere. I've never been the same since. The smallest little tick gives me sweats. It's ridiculous. _

_So when I woke up with a spider on my face, I thought I was going to have a heart attack. _

_I flew out of my bed as if I had the Grim Reaper on my tail, and, since it was dark, I smacked into my nightstand. The spider went flying, and it landed in my bed. _

_In. My. Bed. _

_Scurrying around under my sheets. Contaminating my pillows. _

_DAMN YOU, SHINO!_

_I couldn't sleep in my bed anymore, obviously, so I went downstairs and slept on the couch, though the rest of the night, I swore I felt legs scrabbling all over me. _

_I never used to be afraid of bugs. I used to squash 'em between my bare fingers. _

_Heh. So much for THAT. _

_It is now my mission in life to repay the favor and give Shino a phobia. Preferably of something stupid. Like gravity. _

_I'll drop kick him off a waterfall. _

_That'll work. _

* * *

"Does fear of gravity have a technical name?" 

"Yes."

"What is it?"

"No idea. You can look it up, if you're curious."

"Well then how do you know if it has one?"

"All those phobias do. I'm sure there's even a name for the fear of peanut butter."

"How can someone be afraid of peanut butter?"

"Good question."

Temari yawned. "It's gotta be late, isn't it? I think I'm gonna hit the sack." She smiled, and kissed her brother on the forehead. "We should do this again sometime."

"If I can salvage enough of my brain matter, sure."

She chuckled, and then took her leave, completely unaware that her own journal had been subject to scrutiny. Gaara was unconcerned about that, however. He'd had his fun, and it was no longer relevant if his siblings discovered his scheme after the fact.

Shukaku chose to make one final comment.

**Your family's cracked out. I always thought you were an oddball, but the rest of them are just as off-kilter.**

"You're not much of a picnic yourself," the Kazekage retorted.

**Hey,** **I've got my own reputation to take care of. **

The redhead grinned.

"GAARA! YOU'RE DEAD!"

The sound of two voices raised in unison traveled down the hallway, followed by the stampede of heavy footsteps.

It appeared as though no one would be sleeping much tonight.

* * *

PHEW! Well, guys and dolls, I believe this little story is finished. I may go back and do one more chapter for Gaara if inspiration strikes, but don't hold me to that. As of now, consider this the end. 

Thank you all so much for the reviews! They've been great, and I'm glad you all enjoyed this! I was amazed at the reactions, honestly, because I figured people would find my sense of humor a bit too…off the wall. XD Again, my thanks. Confessions of an Avenger is in the works, so look out for it!


	5. The Return of Mr Chipmunk

**The Return of Mr. Chipmunk** _

* * *

__Entry Title: Why am I doing this?_

_Holy sweet Mother, these past few…well…I'm not really sure how long it's been, but…that's not the point. The point is, I feel like I've spent about half my life inside the belly of some huge sea monster (don't even say it. I know you're thinking it. Why sea monster? Where the hell did he come up with _sea monster?_ Kankuro, you are so predictable. I'm _on to you_), and it just decided to spit me out now. I mean, talk about emotional roller-effing-coaster, man. I fricking DIED, for cripes sake. I was DEAD for…damn it. I don't know how many _minutes_, or _hours_, or…whatever. _

_I WAS DEAD, PEOPLE. _

_I believe I am entitled to claim that I do not care to repeat the experience any time in the near future, yes? I understand that all living things die _eventually_ (major emphasis on EVENTUALLY), but…COME ON. I didn't even get the chance to defend myself. It was pathetic. _

_Oh, you're some amazing Kazekage, DUDE, because you just rolled over on your BACK and allowed some jacked up puppet pal to SIT ON YOU, but not before his equally jacked up organization (they all wear purple nail polish. All of them. And cute fluffy cloud cloaks. Maybe you should offer to be their fashion consultant, Kankuro) rid me of that stupid, polka-dancing bastard, which was the ultimate cause of my death (does anyone else see the irony, here?)_

_Life is determined to screw me up the ass, I've decided. _

………

_Don't take that out of context. Seriously. I'll know if you do. The chipmunk always knows, and he'll eat your faces off. _

* * *

"Lord, I missed this." 

"Yeah," a bit of a pause, "me too."

Temari raised her brows. "You don't sound so enthusiastic."

Kankuro humphed. "Didn't you see? He took not one, but _two _jabs at me specifically, and left _you _out of it altogether. I mean, what's this crap about Akatsuki? I stopped wearing my hood, didn't I?"

"But you haven't ditched the makeup," his sister pointed out, a wicked twinkle in her eye.

"So?"

"So…it's purple."

"What's wrong with purple?"

"Akatsuki members wear purple nail polish."

"That has nothing to do with me! I'm not…some Akatsuki wannabe groupie!" Kankuro crossed his arms in agitation. "_They're_ the posers!"

Temari turned a cackle into a cough when her sibling glared at her. "Of course they are," she soothed, patting the top of his head.

But Kankuro plowed on, his injured pride triggering hard core Bitch Mode.

"And the whole sea monster thing? I don't _care_ how he came up with sea monster. Why _would _I care? The mental image is kinda gross…you know…Gaara covered in slimy stomach acid stuff…but I'm not _fixated_ on how he sat there and decided, "oh! I am the source of a sea monster's indigestion! Aren't I awesome?" Why does he think that I'm the one who cares and not you?"

Temari gave her brother a long look. "Because _you_ are the one making a huge deal out of it."

Silence.

"Oh…bugger off."

The blonde girl snorted. "Admit that I'm always right, and I'd be more than happy to."

"Hmm…" Kankuro pretended to turn the idea over in his mind. "How about _no_?"

Shrugging, Temari said, "Fine then. I stay." There was a rustling of paper as she flipped the page. "I'm going to keep that little assraping comment in storage. It might come in useful later." She still owed her brother for stealing her own journal. A lot of unpleasantness had happened since then, sure, but now that things were more or less back to normal—well, as normal as they had ever been—anything was fair game.

At that, Kankuro hooted. "There are so many ways those words can be manipulated…"

"Exactly," she agreed.

_

* * *

__Entry Title_: _(Labeling them individually is so much easier than trying to assign an overall theme…especially when you're in an uncreative mood). Wonders never cease._

_So. If anyone were to tell me, pre-death, that I'd…I cannot _believe _I'm about to write this…miss Shukaku (WHAT? Look at that. I did it. I wrote it. This, my minions, is what some would call _blasphemy_) one day…I'd either a.) Tell you to stop indulging in the recreational drugs, thanks, or b.) Yank out your intestines through your ears and watch you squirm. _

_On further contemplation, I suppose both could—and would—be done simultaneously. _

_Isn't. That. Special. _

_I was such a great guy, wasn't I? So _endearing_. Who wouldn't want an intestinal purge from a dude with _this face_, huh? It's the cheeks I'm serious. You have it on record that I admit my resemblance to a chipmunk is almost frightening. I wonder which side I get it from, Mom's or Dad's. Either way, they were both crazy. Should've considered that before they got their mack on. What about the CHILDREN, EH? We are the victims, here! _

_What was the topic, again? _

_Shukaku. Right. _

_And…missing Shukaku. _

_Because he's gone. As in, no more voices in my head. No more late night food stealing. No more excuses to listen to the Swedish Chef song (TRAGEDY!). _

_Lord…you realize people are going to find out I'm really a loon by nature? I'm sure they all think, "Shukaku made him into a psychotic, bloodthirsty reprobate! It was all Shukaku!"_

_Uh…news flash, General Populace. _

_It was not all Shukaku. My character is the result of a shifty gene pool and lack of sleep. In that order. JOKE'S ON YOU! HAAAAAAAA!_

_Shukaku was a convenient scapegoat, and I took him for granted. Hard. Core. _

_And if I repeat that enough, I may even convince _myself.

* * *

"Our family is officially cracked." 

Temari grinned. "What else did you expect? Dad was on an insatiable ego-trip, Mom was such a harpy she couldn't _stay _dead, you wear makeup, and Gaara…well, Gaara's dysfunctions are self explanatory."

"That's great and all, but you seem to be forgetting someone important."

"Mm?"

"Miss Electrified Fourtails herself."

"…"

Kankuro smirked. "Speechless, are we?" He nudged her side with an elbow. "Wowed by my vast intellect, eh?"

He received more than just a nudge for his sass.

"You are so full of shit your teeth are brown," Temari said primly to the heap curled up on the floor. "Vast intellect…more like vast dumbassery, if you ask me."

Somehow, Kankuro managed to croak, "I didn't, you horrid cow."

Boys never learn, do they? _Everyone_ knows it is the taboo of all taboos to call a girl a cow. Everyone except Kankuro, that is. The memo must have skipped over him.

Inopportune, no?

"_What_ did you say?" Temari's voice was calm.

Being the oblivious individual that he was, Kankuro replied, "You heard me."

So much for vast intellect.

The ominous sound of knuckles cracking filled the air. "That's what I _thought _you said."

Once the hubbub had settled—Kankuro was still on the floor, much the worse for wear, and Temari's breathing evened out, though the wild gleam in her eyes had not receded yet—the two siblings experienced a light bulb effect.

"Did you—"

"He _did_—"

They exchanged a glance, and in unison declared, "Chipmunk."

A pause.

"We've gotta make photocopies," Kankuro urged excitedly.

"Blackmail?"

"One must cover all of one's bases," was his mischievous response.

_

* * *

__Entry Title: Bzuh?_

_I'm not used to the idea of sleeping. At all. I know that I can now without risk of engaging in destructive sleepwalking escapades, but it just feels…weird. _

_My bed is no longer a decoration in the middle of my room, put there for the original purpose of satisfying my fragile sense of normalcy. A bedroom has a bed, period. Yeah, I walk to my own drum more often than not, however there _are_ certain things I'm finicky about, and having the bed in the bedroom is one of them. _

_Eat me, okay?_

_Hopefully, you'll understand the difference between figurative and literal in this instance. I'm banking a lot on you guys. _

_So. Sleep + Gaara equals hella whacked dreams. Honestly. These suckers are more vivid than the hallucinations, and that makes no sense at all. You'd think my system would have a virtual orgasmic nirvana at the opportunity to recharge _correctly_—the way human beings have always done—therefore bypassing the dream process and moving straight into Comatose Alley. _

_But this is me we're discussing. Nothing ever turns out the way I want it to (had luck been on my side during the initial Akatsuki attack, the entire freak brigade would've gotten buried up to their heads in sand and left to bake in the sun. Vulture food. Yum), and I shouldn't have raised my expectations so damn high. _

_Whenever people yak about sleep, they inevitably make it sound like this out-of-body love fest that they'd give their right foot to schmooze at year round. _

_Oh, I had a love fest, all right. _

_With me, myself, and I. _

_Sexy-no-jutsu is back with a vengeance, yo. And it gets better. All this hoo-ha about chipmunks has translated itself to my nightly forays into dreamland. _

_As if seeing myself as a cow and a woman wasn't already bad enough, now chipmunk has been added to the ranks. _

_And this isn't just one chipmunk, here, either. This is almost—but not quite—a ravening horde of Gaara chipmunks. _

_Again I implore the skies, WHY ME? Go bother random citizen A and leave me the hell alone! I am KAZEKAGE. _

_POINTY HAT ENVY, THAT'S ALL IT IS. _

……………

_I just noticed something rather vexing._

_This stupid journal is becoming the Venue of Whine. I sound like a ditzy valley girl cheerleader who broke a nail. _

_GAH!_

* * *

Temari couldn't breathe, she was giggling so hard. The tears were flowing from her eyes faster than she could wipe them away. "Valley girl…" She wheezed, before doubling over once more. 

A bit of Kankuro's makeup had smudged, and he currently stood before a mirror with a handkerchief to scrub the remainder off. He was slightly wobbly on his feet—courtesy of Temari's violent retribution—and he had to blink rapidly a few times to repair his doubled vision.

"The kid is ruined for life," he said, waving the handkerchief in Temari's direction. "It's like he's _incapable _of coming off the whole chipmunk thing." He snorted. "Wonder when he'll start demanding acorns for breakfast…"

Temari, recovered for most part, said, "I'll put some in his stocking for Christmas."

Kankuro leaned in closer to the mirror to troubleshoot a stubborn spot. "Did you remember to get your digital camera fixed?" He frowned when his efforts yielded naught but red, inflamed skin, and rubbed harder.

Watching his progress amusedly, his sister answered, "Yeah, I took it in last week. Why?"

"Because I want to have his reaction on Christmas morning preserved. What was the catchphrase in all those cheesy commercials? Film is forever?"

"I thought it was "diamonds are forever," actually." In an older sisterly tone, she advised, "You're gonna wind up bleeding all over if you don't cool it soon. Soap and water does the job more effectively, idiot."

"Shush, woman. Read the next entry out loud, wouldja? I'm kinda busy over here."

While she could've been ornery and told him it was impossible to _shush_ and read at the same time, her curiosity outweighed her vindictiveness.

"Okay…ah…oh, here we go."

_Entry Title: HELP ME._

_Cannot write. No time. Under siege by a pack of wild…_things. _MAKE IT STOP! TAKE THEM AWAY PLEASE. I DON'T LIKE THEM, SAM I AM. GREEN EGGS AND HAM SUCK. _

There was a lengthy pause. Kankuro abandoned the mirror and sat next to Temari, expression befuddled.

"Dude…" He could not even finish his thought.

Temari's countenance mirrored his. "Oy…they're all similar, look." She ran her finger down the page and stopped at the next one.

_Entry Title: MOMMY, WHEREFORE ART THOU?_

_I do not recall asking for this. Ever. Never ever ever never. I can't even go to the BATHROOM without feeling like I'm being WATCHED. They have EYES ALL OVER. They SEE. They KNOW. They are ALWAYS THERE. _

And the next.

_Entry Title: SLIT MY WRISTS, KAY?_

_See above title. _

And the next.

_Entry Title: PERFUME IS MY ARCHENEMY._

_Nemesis. Rival. Foe. Eternal Opponent of Sickly Sweet Smelling Doom. I will hate perfume FOREVER with a shining hammer of hatred. "Oh, it's citrus, Gaara-SAMA! Don't you LIKE IT? WE WORE IT FOR YOU BECAUSE WE WANT YOU TO OWN OUR SOULS!" _

_Get it through those thick skulls of yours, Bimbo One and Bimbo Two. _

_I DON'T WANT YOUR SOULS. _

_I don't want ANYTHING of yours, come to think of it. Except maybe your BLOODY PULPY HEARTS SO I CAN MAKE ROTISSERIE HEART CHICKEN. _

_Cluck, cluck, cluck. _

_WAUGH! NOOO MOREEEE!_

Finally, she came upon the last, which was longer than the previous few. Hopefully their distraught brother would elaborate enough for sense to be made of his earlier documentation.

Drawing a breath, Temari began.

_Entry Title: The calm before the storm._

_Okay. Now that I have secured a MOMENT'S PEACE, I can explain myself. _

_I don't know how, I don't know when, and I don't know _why_, but it would appear that I have acquired a fan club. Composed entirely of screeching, fawning, squealing teenage girls. _

_All of which are convinced they will be the future Mrs. Kazekage, I might add. _

_I shall break here to give you a chance to compose yourselves. _

Temari and Kankuro took advantage of it, howling with mirth.

_Break's over. _

_ANYWAY. _

_At first, I was sort of flattered. I mean, I've never really received attention of this caliber before—as we are all aware, I was That Monster longer than I have been The Man in the Pointy Hat—and it…gave me the warm squiggly fuzzies on the inside (I actually wrote that, too. I have the Plague. I am diseased). _

_And hell, my pubescent brain figured, HEY! POTENTIAL ASS PROSPECTS! ROCK ON!_

_Stupid, stupid, stupidstupidstupid._

_I need to show you guys my desk drawers. They are crammed almost to the brink with nasty perfumed love letters that make me dizzy. _

_And if I hear "Gaara-sama!" ONE MORE TIME, I'll…do something… malevolent. _

_Like feed the Bimbos alive to giant vipers. _

_That Orochimaru dude has a delivery service, doesn't he? There're plenty of poisonous snakes to go around. He can spare a few. They'll have a feast._

_It's gotten to the point where walking out the front door or standing on the balcony makes me skittish, because at least one of them is usually there, waiting. _

_I'M BEING STALKED, AND I DON'T LIKE IT. _

_What happened to Gaara the Predator? HE WENT PANSY AND RAN AWAY. _

_Gaara the Prey is not KOSHER. _

_Ugh. So much effing drama, and Shukaku isn't even here. _

_Well there's your update, sibs. I'm very much alive, regrettably or no, and the circus has landed. Yee-haw. Ask me again later why I accepted this job. _

* * *

"He _did _have it coming," Kankuro said cheerfully once he and Temari laughed themselves sick. 

"Poetic justice," Temari nodded. When she was about to close the journal, the door opened so forcefully it slammed against the wall, and Gaara barreled in, face flushed, hat askew, mantle rumpled.

"Lord…That was…Damn…"

Bracing his hands on his knees, the Kazekage gulped mouthfuls of air as if starved.

Kankuro's voice was shrewd when he said, "Let me guess. You were making a hasty departure from the stalkers."

A barely noticeable inclination of the head confirmed it.

Temari grinned. "Poor baby. Being chased by all those adoring fangirls…"

"Lay it on thicker, why don't you," Gaara said dryly as he straightened. "My pinkie toe doesn't feel anything yet."

His sister stuck her tongue out at him. "You reap what you sow."

Gaara gave her a _look_, flinging himself into a chair. "Are you still mad at me for reading your journal? And that was _how_ long ago?"

"We're siblings," said Kankuro, as if that made everything clear. "This is the sort of crap siblings pull on each other. For instance," he grabbed the red notebook out of Temari's hands and flipped it to a particular passage, "don't be surprised if that information leaks out sooner or later." He was referring, of course, to the admittance of chipmunkish attributes.

The Kazekage glanced, unmoved, at the indicated lines, and pulled off his hat, raking his fingers through sweat-soaked hair. "Good. The weirder the Bimbos think I am, the better."

"GAARA-SAMA?"

"WHERE DID YOU GO? GAARA-SAMA!"

"COME BACK!"

Quicker than a flash, Gaara was up again. Though the voices were coming from outside, that did not temper his urge to flee.

"You didn't see me," he called over his shoulder as he bolted. "I won't hesitate to exile both of you if a contradictory report happens to float past my ears!"

"GAAARAAA-SAAAMAAA!"

"ACK! DAMN IT TO HELL!"

And he was gone.

Kankuro's smirk was wide enough to crack his jaw. "If he can't tell a girl's voice from a boy's, I think this is gonna be fun."

Temari linked her arm through his. "It's like you said. We're siblings."

* * *

Ummm…yeah. I know I sorta kinda made it seem like this story was complete, but…I couldn't help myself. The manga arc that concluded recently was just BEGGING to be commented on. XD I hope you guys enjoyed! There may be more, I'm not going to close out that possibility entirely. Hee-hee. 


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